Tarabeara!

A Sinking Ship

2010-04-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

that's what our relationship feels like to me right now. a sinking ship.
it's been a couple months now since our ship has been sinking, sinking, sinking..

a while back you questioned my love for you, and now i am doing the same. do you still love me?
our relationship just feels like a daily routine. thats harsh, but it's the simplest way to put it.
you barely show any affection towards me. it barely seems like you notice me. we talk about nothing.
this week, will be the same as last week. and next will be the same as this week.

it's always the same, never changing. a routine.

honestly, that burning passion we used to have burned out somewhere along the way.

i love you. i love you uncontrollably. but sometimes i wonder how and why we are even together.
i want to be with you, i unquestionably know that. but i wonder about you. i wonder if we SHOULD be together. our relationship has become so...bland. i've tried fixing it, but i don't know what to do. i don't feel like i ever get anything in return. should we take a break? what do we do?
i don't know what to do.
you need to help me, baby, please. HELP ME.
i feel like i'm suffocating. i feel like i'm losing you.
i am utterly and completely losing you. that's what it is.

i love you. i want to be with you all the time. but at the same time, you are the ONLY thing in my time. sometimes i worry that our lives have just become to revolved around one another.
i don't have a problem with that. but...i feel like we're missing out.
we don't hang out with our friends, ESPECIALLY me. whenever we DO go hang it's always with your friends...i mean i guess i'm friends with them too, but they're YOUR friends.
i miss hanging with my friends. but i feel bad, because whenever i go do something without you, you're usually stuck at home doing nothing because you don't have a ride. and i feel like if you're not doing anything, i shouldn't be doing anything....
idk. i'm not sure what my point is...

why

2010-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

cant you ever just see it from my point of view for once?

why

2010-01-28T19:05:00.001-08:00

must i constantly tear myself apart.

2010-01-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not even sure what I want to vent about, there's just one big collage of different thoughts swirling around inside my brain. I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't even organize all of my different thoughts into different categories, they all just explode out at me at once. It is so irritating, especially at times like these when I want to let everything out.
People keep saying that 2010 is going to be a huge year, and I want that to apply to myself as well. I feel like I haven't done anything at all, and I swear I want to be productive. There are so many things I want to do, but there's so much of it that I don't even know where to begin. It gets so overwhelming.
I have so many goals, and I want to accomplish each and every one of them, but how can I when I constantly doubt myself? I suppose it's human nature to doubt yourself, but come on, I need some confidence.
My main goal is to get my body the way that I want it. To get myself to a point where I'm content with how I look. I definitely am working at it, and it takes time, but it's so frustrating when you want results right away, and see nothing. Patience is a necessity when changing yourself, and that is something that I lack.
I guess it all comes in good time, though. I just got to keep breathing, and live through each day, each minute, each second - and everything will come at it's own pace.
Also, I want to conquer my anxiety. I want to be able to be surrounded by my peers and not feel the need to shake, or to tense up. I want to be comfortable with myself, and with others - to be able to connect with everyone around me. I feel so detached.
And would it kill anyone to hire me? I hate depending on other people, it makes me feel bad. I want to make my own money, and to be able to fend for myself. But of course the economy has to suck when I'm looking for a job. Haha.
And maybe the thing I want most, is to maintain a healthy relationship. I am one of the more fortunate teenagers out there that has found someone that I love, and that loves me in return. Over time flames die out, and the passion dies with it, but I believe it can always be re-kindled and brought back alive. And I strive everyday to KEEP it burning and alive. I want it to stay that way, I never want it to die. And what most people don't realize is that is a very complicated thing. But either way, we're good now, and I couldn't ask for anymore.

The future really scares me. And although this may sound naive to most people, I want to marry Anthony some day. I want to be able to keep our relationship solid for years to come, up to a point of marriage, and I just hope I'm able to do that. I always fear that I'm not enough for him, or that he'll lose interest over time, and I want more than anything to prevent that from happening. My main goal in life is to marry him and start a family with him. While it would never cross my mind to start at this age, I would love to have his children.
But aside from marriage, I worry about my career. There are literally so many things that I would like to do, and to learn.
First and foremost - I want to be a psychiatrist. I already am able to connect with peoples emotions and problems so well, and am able to analyze things very easily. I believe that I could be a wonderful psychiatrist. But the amount of years of school it takes to do it...it scares me. Could I do it? Would I be able to get financial aid for all those years? How would I support myself in the mean time? These are all questions that present obstacles. But still, it's my ambition.
I want to learn cosmetology, culinary arts, to pierce. I almost want to be a teacher as well.
How on earth does one decide what to do?
I want to inspire people, and help people.
I could do that with all of those, except piercing of course.
I guess the answer will come to me when the time is right, but I hate not knowing things.
I want to know now.
I want to know now.

it

2010-01-13T14:21:00.001-08:00

feels so empty without you here.

i just wish

2010-01-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

that for one second, i could stop comparing myself too everyone else.