I'm not even sure what I want to vent about, there's just one big collage of different thoughts swirling around inside my brain. I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't even organize all of my different thoughts into different categories, they all just explode out at me at once. It is so irritating, especially at times like these when I want to let everything out.
People keep saying that 2010 is going to be a huge year, and I want that to apply to myself as well. I feel like I haven't done anything at all, and I swear I want to be productive. There are so many things I want to do, but there's so much of it that I don't even know where to begin. It gets so overwhelming.
I have so many goals, and I want to accomplish each and every one of them, but how can I when I constantly doubt myself? I suppose it's human nature to doubt yourself, but come on, I need some confidence.
My main goal is to get my body the way that I want it. To get myself to a point where I'm content with how I look. I definitely am working at it, and it takes time, but it's so frustrating when you want results right away, and see nothing. Patience is a necessity when changing yourself, and that is something that I lack.
I guess it all comes in good time, though. I just got to keep breathing, and live through each day, each minute, each second - and everything will come at it's own pace.
Also, I want to conquer my anxiety. I want to be able to be surrounded by my peers and not feel the need to shake, or to tense up. I want to be comfortable with myself, and with others - to be able to connect with everyone around me. I feel so detached.
And would it kill anyone to hire me? I hate depending on other people, it makes me feel bad. I want to make my own money, and to be able to fend for myself. But of course the economy has to suck when I'm looking for a job. Haha.
And maybe the thing I want most, is to maintain a healthy relationship. I am one of the more fortunate teenagers out there that has found someone that I love, and that loves me in return. Over time flames die out, and the passion dies with it, but I believe it can always be re-kindled and brought back alive. And I strive everyday to KEEP it burning and alive. I want it to stay that way, I never want it to die. And what most people don't realize is that is a very complicated thing. But either way, we're good now, and I couldn't ask for anymore.

The future really scares me. And although this may sound naive to most people, I want to marry Anthony some day. I want to be able to keep our relationship solid for years to come, up to a point of marriage, and I just hope I'm able to do that. I always fear that I'm not enough for him, or that he'll lose interest over time, and I want more than anything to prevent that from happening. My main goal in life is to marry him and start a family with him. While it would never cross my mind to start at this age, I would love to have his children.
But aside from marriage, I worry about my career. There are literally so many things that I would like to do, and to learn.
First and foremost - I want to be a psychiatrist. I already am able to connect with peoples emotions and problems so well, and am able to analyze things very easily. I believe that I could be a wonderful psychiatrist. But the amount of years of school it takes to do it...it scares me. Could I do it? Would I be able to get financial aid for all those years? How would I support myself in the mean time? These are all questions that present obstacles. But still, it's my ambition.
I want to learn cosmetology, culinary arts, to pierce. I almost want to be a teacher as well.
How on earth does one decide what to do?
I want to inspire people, and help people.
I could do that with all of those, except piercing of course.
I guess the answer will come to me when the time is right, but I hate not knowing things.
I want to know now.
I want to know now.